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Book Review: Anastasia: Her First Position

Hi Guys! This is your Sporking review for Christmas. Only one page but then again it’s a really short book.

Sit back and prepare for the bad.

Here we go!

Newly graduated, Anastasia is living out of a hotel in the big city. She’s got an internship at a big name firm, but as low woman on the totem pole, she’s got a lot to learn. Thankfully, executive assistant Victoria is on hand to show Anastasia the ropes.

I’d say literally, but that didn’t happen in this book… despite it being advertised.

So yeah…

How do I classify this book. I mean, it’s like Fifty Shades of Grey meets Literotica only without the charm of both. FFS the lead character’s name is Anastasia. The author is not even trying to hide it.

Essentially this is 43 pages of pure unadulterated smut. Sure there’s a paper thin plot but when I say it’s paper thin I’m talking about Kleenex. This book is erotica pure and simple. I mean there’s nothing wrong with that. But as I read I was damned sure that me, a bisexual woman, was not the target audience. And I’m about 99% certain that the book was written by a straight male.

My proof?

  1. The author tells us that Ana is a DD – no woman thinks that. Like ever. We don’t give our cup size to tell you how big our boobs are. We just say that we have big boobs and go with that.

  2. The insistence that large breasted women will wear button down shirts to a professional office. This is a no. Button down shirts gape and if you don’t want to get dinged for “inappropriate attire” you don’t wear shit that gapes. You just don’t. Take it from the woman who worked in a legal office.

  3. This line – “There it is. Come here, baby.” She drew out her hand, which was wrapped around the long, hard length of Frank’s cock. Very long. Anastasia knew she was naive, but she wasn’t a virgin. She knew what a man’s penis looked like. She’d had one inside her once. But not one like this. She felt her eyes widen as Victoria uncovered what looked like ten or eleven engorged inches.

Pro-tip… bigger isn’t better guys. At a certain point length is just pointless. I mean I’m sitting over here going “Yikes” and I’ve gotten a Sims2 Romance Sim’s LTW.

So, let’s just say that this book is very much written for the male gaze. And that’s fine. I mean it’s still funny. But it’s fine.

I mean:

Victoria’s skin was porcelain there too, smooth and creamy, except for the candy pink of her nipples, which stood up hard on top her massive mounds like gumdrops.

This is fine.

As for me, I found this unintentionally hilarious. Whoever wrote this clearly had an obsession with the thesaurus and fluid dynamics. There are more synonyms for fluid or gush in this than I think thesaurus dot com has on its website. And we’re not even going into the number of synonyms for breasts or female genitalia. Get out your bingo card guys and count them all.

Here’s some examples:

Pro tip: swabbing at a slimy softening cock that has just been pounding into someone’s bowels is not sexy. It is like the antithesis of sexy.

Just Ew.

How how about some “hot” girl on girl action.

Well.. get ready for all of the synonyms for the female genitalia. All of them!

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Or maybe I should say water slide…

The book is also a very clear cash grab to try to get you to buy the rest of the series. And if this were in Kindle Unlimited I’d be reporting it in a heartbeat since the actual story itself cuts off at the 34% mark and there’s a bunch of bonus books in there.

However, I didn’t bother reading them.

Nor am I going to bother with buying the next books in the series.

Frankly, this book is laugh out loud bad. There’s better on sites like the asstr archives or literotica or Ao3 or a whole host of other places. I was thoroughly entertained. As were the people who I live blogged my reactions to at 4 in the morning.

But does this deserve more than one star?


One Star!

If you want to read this for yourself, it’s currently free.

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